Previously: The Quagmires were kidnaped and the sadness was fresh and real.
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The Ersatz Elevator: Part 1
Marines: We open in the tunnels. Lemony tells us that this episode will teach us the difference between the words “nervous” and “anxious.” I am… not looking forward to that, thanks Lemony.
He climbs out of the tunnels via manhole and ends up on a street in front of an ice cream truck. Lemony says nervous means “worried about something,” like you might be nervous about eating prune ice cream. I mean… that’s one example.
The word anxious means “troubled by disturbing suspense,” like how you would feel if someone served you a live alligator. The ice cream man opens the freezer, presumably sees an alligator, declares that he’s anxious, and then we see the ice cream truck shaking as Lemony lets himself back down into the tunnels.
In terms of the story of the Baudelaire orphans, we might be nervous while we are thinking about it and anxious while watching the suspense in which they find themselves endlessly trapped. Lemony tries to let himself out of another manhole, but we see that a car rolls over it and traps him in. We hear Mr. Poe coughing.
Streetside, Mr. Poe says he’s nervous about the Baudelaire’s new guardians, what with all their luck with all the past ones. He’s feeling better about it now, though, because this is a very fashionable block. Klaus says they are beyond nervous. They are anxious for their friends who have been kidnapped. Mr. Poe, who gets their names wrong and calls them twins, is clearly not concerned because there is a city-wide manhunt on to find Olaf and rescue the Quagmires. The bank is helping to fund the search and Mr. Poe himself is going on a helicopter ride and using binoculars to look for the Quagmires. (A: The fact that Poe is getting involved makes me both nervous and anxious because he is the worst.)
There is a bit of confusion as Mr. Poe looks for the building where another set of their parents’ friends who have agreed to take care of them live. The kids are understandably wary. Mr. Poe weirdly walks into a pole.
Inside the super fancy building, the front desk security stops them. Violet introduces herself and her siblings. The Front Desk Man says they are expected, but who’s the guy with the nosebleed? Mr. Poe shows his ID, explains that he’s just there to drop the kids off. He’ll go now to see about the nose bleed and go catch his helicopter.
Once he’s gone, the front desk man explains that this it he most fashionable and secure building in the city, and Count Olaf will most certainly not be able to get inside. Their new guardians, the Squalors, live in the penthouse. Front Desk Man apologizes for the dark lighting (“dark is in”) and points them in the direction of the stairs. Violet looks at the elevator and asks if it’s out of order. She offers to fix it, but Front Desk Man says the it isn’t out of order. It’s just out. And with that, the Baudelaires set off to climb a milliionty stairs to the the penthouse. As they do, Violet hopes that their new guardians can help them find the Quagmires, even though they have no idea where they are. “We’re in the dark,” Klaus quips and they smile just a little.
The Baudelairs climb as Lemony gives examples of being literally and figuratively in the dark. They keep noticing the elevator with the sign “out” and a door of some kind with the mysterious eye symbol they’ve seen everywhere.
They finally make it to the penthouse. Klaus notices that there are two sets of elevator doors, but there was only one on every other floor. Klaus reaches out for the doorbell, but before he can ring it, Mr. Squalor opens the door, saying it’s always unlocked, and greets them warmly. He figures they must be tired from the climb and invites them to call him Jerome and in for a martini.
Klaus asks if a martini isn’t an alcoholic drink. Jerome (played by Tony Hale of Arrested Development fame) says it usually is, but martinis are out and aqueous martinis are in. AKA some water in a glass with olives. Sunny adorably babble-asks for a double. Violet translates that they’ve never had aqueous martinis, but they are willing to try. Jerome calls them adventurous, like their parents, and starts reminiscing about the past adventures he’s had with them. The children ask about Montgomery Montgomery or Josephine Anwhistle. Jerome doesn’t know any of their previous guardians, and he does not own a spyglass. He did lose a pair of binoculars to an eagle, though. Soon after that he lost touch with his parents and also married a woman who despises all his old friends. He laughs a sad laugh. He assures them that he wanted to adopt them from the moment he heard about the fire, but unfortunately, it was impossible.
“Orphans were out then,” a woman announces. The kids look up. “But now they’re in,” the woman finishes. “Good evening,” she greets them. “It’s mid-morning, my precious,” Jerome mumbles. She introduces herself as Esme Gegi Geniveve Squalor, the city’s sixth most important financial advisor. Even though she is unbelievably wealthy, she instructs the kids to call her Esme. She’ll learn their names later. (A: I hate her already.) She’s so happy they are here because when her friends hear she has 3 orphans, they’ll be sick with jealousy. And they’ll have such a glamorous life with her, their friends will be jealous, too. Jerome laughs uncomfortably as Esme describes all the “in” things they’ll do, and says that she really means that they hope the children will be safe and secure. Klaus doesn’t even know how to hold his aqueous martini glass right now.
Esme continues the run down: dark is in, light is out. Stairs are in, elevators are out. Pin-stripe suits are in and the horrible clothes the kids are wearing, their uniforms from Prufrock, are out. Jerome says she means that they hope they’ll be comfortable here. He hates thinking about all they went through when they could’ve been here all along. Esme says it couldn’t be helped. When something is out, it’s out, and orphans were out. Klaus says he’s glad they are interested in orphans now because they are worried about their friends. Both the Squalors make sympathy noises. Jerome is sure they are very anxious about their friends. Klaus says they are! They are indeed anxious! Esme says one of the good things about being rich and powerful is that you don’t have to be anxious. Once the Quagmires are found, they’ll live here, too. Esme asides that it’s always good to have some spares lying around. Jerome speaks over her and says that the Baudelaires live in a penthouse now and they will never have to want for anything. “All we want is for our friends to be safe,” Klaus sads. Jerome sighs and assures them they’ll hear good news soon.
On cue, a paperboy delivers a newspaper. Esme squeals and the children think it must be good news about the Quagmires or Olaf’s capture, but no. Dark is out, light is in. Esme sends everyone to go turn on lights and open curtains. “I’ll run around in panicky circles,” she says, before taking off.
The Baudelaires wander into the living room as Violet says that something tells her the Squalors won’t be as helpful as they need them to be. A series of Unfortunate Adults– someone please save these children.
Klaus hits a button on a remote control and the curtains part to reveal Count Olaf in less of a disguise than usual. He is white-haired and wearing a suit. Count Olaf asks if this seems like a nightmare, because that was the effect he was going for. Well, he has nightmares too– ones that wake him up, screaming. His only comfort is knowing that the orphans will soon be screaming themselves, just like the Quagmires. Klaus asks where they are. Not far, apparently, because the citywide manhunt “foreshadowed” Olaf in his quest to take them far away. Klaus corrects him– forestalled– and then calls for the Squalors to come quick. Olaf is here!
By the time they run, Olaf has acquired glasses and a cane, completing his disguise. He whips out a wanted poster, signed by Count Olaf, and of course Esme loves it. Jerome asks who this even is. Esme reminds him that she said Gunther would be here and would need to hide behind their curtains for a little while. Jerome remembers and no one thinks this is strange, even when Olaf is peppering everything he says with weird “pleases,” not when he can’t come up with where he’s even from, not when he goes on and on about how handsome Olaf is, and not when Olaf!Gunter basically threatens that if Olaf is somehow captured and taken to jail, the Quagmires will starve and die.
Esme doesn’t want to talk about depressing things like kidnappings anymore. She wants to talk about exciting things, like the In Auction happening tomorrow, hosted by the innest auctioneer, Foreign Gunther. All the money will go to the good cause of Esme. Olaf!Gunther says him, too. Jerome suggest an actual charity, but Esme says that hungry poor people can’t eat money, so that settles that. Gunther tells the poor wealthy orphans to go far away while he talks business with Esme. She asks Jerome to go put the children into pinstripes suits before anyone sees them in their ugly clothes and her whole life is ruined.
Jerome leads them through the penthouse, remarking on the size of it and saying he put all the children in one room so they don’t get lost. Children could get lost in this apartment. He hands them their new clothes and again says how excited he is they are here.
Annie: This makes me sad, because Jerome does seem genuinely excited to have the children there. And for like legit, non-creepy, non-crime reasons.
Mari: This show is good at glimmers of hope.
Left alone, the children change and wonder if maybe the Quagmires are hidden in this apartment. Olaf did say they weren’t too far and Jerome said not even he knew what was in every room. The kids further try to figure out Olaf’s plan, and figure that if anything happened to Jerome, Olaf!Gunther could marry Esme and then get his hands on their fortune.
Out in the living room, Olaf!Gunther is showing off a party trick. He presses a button on his cane and a sharp knife pops out of one side. He starts twirling his cane around and “accidentally” cuts the rope holding the chandelier right above Jerome’s head. Klaus is there, though, and pushes Jerome out of the way. The adults are oblivious, not grateful.
Olaf!Gunther asks where the other child is. Klaus pointedly says that his sister is exploring every inch of the penthouse. Olaf looks annoyed. Jerome worries that Violet might get lost, but Klaus says his sister is very resourceful. Olaf’s annoyance intensifies.
We cut to Violet in a long hallway. She ties up her hair, looks around, marks her first door with chalk and lets herself in.
Klaus says he’d like to see more of the penthouse, too. Olaf!Gunther says children shouldn’t be roaming around penthouses, but Klaus goads Esme into doing it by asking if there are 2 or 3 rooms here? She immediately grabs him to show off her place. Olaf holds Klaus back and says he knows what the kids are up to. Klaus says they know what Olaf is up to, and they will stop him.
Esme takes Jerome, Olaf!Gunther and Klaus to the formal, semi-formal and informal dining rooms. They all look very much alike. In each one, Jerome points out the lovely vases and Olaf!Gunther remarks at how good at hurting people they would be. Violet was hiding under the table in the informal dining room. She spots a cupboard, but when she opens it, there are only bottles inside. She checks the billiard room next and marks the door as she leaves. Esme and co. enter after her, and as they leave, Olaf notices the chalk mark on the door.
Bowling alley. Violet finds nothing and marks the door. Esme enters next. Olaf erases the chalk mark.
Powder room. Violet doesn’t finish before Esme and the tour reach her. Violet hides behind a full length mirror. Jerome says he isn’t allowed in here, and Esme says that’s right and leads them away. Olaf lingers for a moment and makes his way toward the mirror. Thankfully, he’s just admiring himself.
Violet leaves and marks the door.
In another hallway, Violet is checking doors and sees she’s marked all of these off… except that one door has a faint chalk mark. She re-draws it, but then has to hurry into the room because she hears Esme. She watches as Esme continues the tour, telling them all that she’s leading them into the room where she keeps her most expensive, most in objects. The room has a giant basket of rutabagas (the innest root vegetable), a collection of long rubber bands, and the largest scarf made in Spain. Olaf!Gunther says it’s long enough for suffocating rich people. Jerome and Esme are like, “‘scuse you?’ and Olaf deflects by pretending to sneeze and saying he’s allergic to orphans.
As the tour ends, Violet joins them again with the bad news that she found nothing. Esme says she’s hungry enough to chew off one of the orphan’s arms (why is every adult the worst), and thinks they should go to the innest restaurant. Think of the publicity! She wants to take a picture right now. Jerome tries to say that maybe the orphans don’t want to, but he’s sushed and sent along for the camera. (A: #SaveJerome.) Olaf doesn’t want the kids in the photo, but Esme thinks the orphans will generate excitement like celebrities or sled dogs. They are shuffled into the picture, upstaged by Esme and Olaf!Gunther, and look half sad, half awkward.
We transition to their picture on the front page of a newspaper as Olivia (the librarian) reads that “the Baudelaire orphans are this season’s fashionable accessories for the city’s sixth most important financial adviser.” She’s sitting in front of Mr. Poe and asks him if he knows how many Prufock Prep kids are ending up in the hands of dreadful people. Jacqueline looks on. Mr. Poe is obviously stressed by all Olivia has to say about the way he’s handled all of this. Olivia has taken an unpaid sabbatical from her job to come to the city and investigate. And the more she reads, the more upset she becomes. She pulls out “The Incomplete History of Secret Organizations” and Jacqueline’s eyes get wide. Mr. Poe says the same thing happens to him when he reads too, which is why he prefers to curl up on the sofa with his wife and watch a few episodes of streaming television.
How many Netflix jokes have been on this show?
Annie: Too many.
Mari: Olivia wants to tell him all about what she’s learned, but Mr. Poe continues to be the worst and not care. He’s got a helicopter ride to go on. Olivia has nowhere else to turn, but Mr. Poe is still unmoved. Olivia packs her book back up and starts to leave. Jacqueline stops her and tells her that “in a world too often governed by corruption and arrogance, it can be difficult to stay true to one’s philosophical and literary principles.” Olivia says she’s heard that a lot recently. Jacqueline says there’s a lot of cause to say it.
Ain’t it the truth?
Jacqueline offers to call Olivia a taxi, but she can’t afford one. Instead, she hurries off to catch the trolley. Jacqueline finishs her call, though, as it’s to Jacques Snicket. Jacques asks what sort of pick-up she needs. “There’s a person armed with curiosity and well-defined morals indicated by a concern for children.” Seriously, in a time where children in cages are headlines, this is making me SAD.
Olivia says that she would be a great benefit if pointed in the right direction. Jacques is on it.
The trolley leaves without Olivia. Jacques finds her and asks if she needs a ride. Olivia is wary of jumping into a car with a stranger, even though Jacques explains that that’s kinda how taxis work. He wins her over by dropping some information about the orphans. Olivia asks him how he knows what she’s looking for. Jacques says that the taxi thing is just a day gig for him. He’s also a member of an organization. Olivia asks if it’s a secret organization and pulls out her Incomplete History.
“I’ve been doing some reading,” she says. “That’s usually the first step,” he replies. Oliva guesses he’s “a volunteer” and he introduces himself. He asks her to lean closer and when she does, he grabs her glasses and cleans them. Hey, Jacques, I like you, please stop being weird. He gives her back her glasses and asks if she can see better now. Hey, Jacques, I like you, please stop being dramatic. Olivia says that all depends on what he shows her. She climbs into the taxi and off they go.
The front desk man is turning on lights and blowing out candles. The Squalors and the Baudelaires have climbed all the way down the steps. Jerome notices that they are cutting down all the trees on the street and Esme says of course they are. Dark is out, light is in. The front desk man wishes them a happy lunch, but reminds them that there is still a city-wide manhunt on for Count Olaf.
Olaf!Gunther runs down at that moment, apologizing for being late because he was most certainly not on a phone call in the phone call room. We notices that the streets are still full of cops, so he says it’s really drafty and climbs under Esme’s elaborate coat. No adult thinks this is strange.
Annie: So many problems could be solved for the Baudelaires if just one single adult would notice and say something when other adults are acting like creepers.
Mari: BUT WAIT! Jacques Snicket is watching this happen from across the street and HE DOES think this is strange. (A: Yay!) He guesses it’s Count Olaf hiding under the coat and calls Jacquelyn to say that Olaf is probably hiding the Quagmires at 667 Dark Avenue. He’s got a new recruit and they can take it from there. Olivia smiles.
At the bank, Mr. Poe says goodbye to Olivia since he’s going on this helicopter ride. Jacquelyn says it’s secretaries’ day, though. He abandons the helicopter plan quickly in favor of not being in a flying death trap. Jacquelyn asks Mrs. Poe where the most powerful financial advisers eat. Mrs. Poe suggests they go someplace “in.”
Esme directs the limo to the corner of Dark and Stormy. Jerome compliments Esme on her new coat and she says it was made by nuns from the feathers of a rare species of bat. Klaus points out that bats don’t have feathers, and Esme this species certainly doesn’t. “Not anymore,” Olaf!Gunther laughs. Jerome shoots an apologetic look at the Baudelaires.
The limo brings the crew not even half a block away and the driver tries to let them out on the right side. Olaf!Gunther yells for him to go to the other side. The adults get out first and Klaus takes the moment to ask Violet if she really searched the whole penthouse. Violet is sure she did, because she had a system. If the Quagmires are within arm’s reach, they are being kept somewhere else.
The orphans join the adults and walk into the restaurant, which is being incompetently run by Olaf’s henchmen. They offer the kids a tour of the kitchen where they will not being thrown into burlap sacks and the adults will not be offered vodka martinis that contain sleeping potions. None of that bothers the adults EXCEPT Esme objects mightily to “vodka martinis.” She leaves in a huff. Olaf gives his henchpeople an annoyed look.
Outside, everyone piles back into the limo as Esme tells the driver, who she repeatedly calls “Limousine,” to take them to an actually in restaurant. The driver closes the driver’s side door and runs around to the passenger side door. Everyone gets out because the other restaurant is across the street. Gunther!Olaf offers to take the children to the bad restaurant for kidnapping. Esme doesn’t hear that part because she’s focused on the fact that the place, Cafe Salmonella, is the innest place. The kids are not happy about that name.
Inside, we see it is a salmon themed restaurant and all of the waiters are waring salmon suits. Including Larry! Larry is their waiter. (A: Is this…. a reason to be hopeful?) (M: Nothng is.) Olaf!Gunther tries to leave and head back to the penthouse, but Larry stops him and makes him sit back down. Larry asks if they want regular or salmon flavored water. Jerome and the kids are like, “ew, no,” but Larry suggests that they go along with the dinner. The kids cotton-on, and Violet says that she wishes her friends could be here to enjoy it. Larry says it is a quagmire to be stuck in a fashionable apartment while others enjoy the escape of a glamorous meal. Klaus asks him to be more specific, and Larry tells them to sit tight for a long lunch and everything will be taken care of by their loyal wait staff. He puts up his fingers to indicate “okay,” but then puts them up to his eye so it because the eye symbol we see everywhere.
Larry suggest the 46-course tasting menu, designed especially for people who live in a 46 story building. It’s a very, very long meal that keeps people in their seats until everyone has been successfully rescued.
Outside, Jacques grabs supplies from the trunk of the taxi. He tells Olivia that they have agents making sure Olaf’s lunch will take as long as possible while they search the building. I hate hate hate that this is giving me hope that the Quagmires will be rescued. (A: Like, they keep telling us not to have hope, but then they do stuff like this to us.) Olivia is in a leather outfit now because obviously.
Back at the restaurant, Mrs. Poe takes a picture of Esme’s table. Mr. Poe is so happy to see them eating at a fancy restaurant after that unemployed librarian made a stink in his office. Violet tells Mr. Poe they need to talk. Olaf!Gunther grabs Mrs. Poe and tells her he’s got a hot tip on the next in restaurant. Klaus asks who is looking for the Quagmires if Mr. Poe is here. Jacquelyn steps in and says that’s an excellent question. The Baudelaires recognize Jacquelyn from a movie and a labyrinth. Mr. Poe is like, “…and from my office?” Jacquelyn assures the orphans that everything is going according to plan and takes out her spyglass so that they can see it.
Jacques and Olivia arm themselves with suction cups and non-slippery shoes for scaling the building. They also safety rope themselves to each other. Olivia asks if this means they go down together. Jacques says no. They go up together. Very suave.
Salmonella. Olaf!Gunther is back. He asks if he missed the entire lunch. Larry says he hasn’t even missed the first course: salmon soup with a hint of salmon and a salmon eye at the bottom. (A: HARD PASS.)
Jacque and Olivia scale the building.
Larry pours salmon sabayon very slowly from a salmon shaped pitcher.
Jacque and Olivia scale on.
Larry brings them salmon bread with salmon butter. Olaf!Gunther takes a bite and has to take out his fake teeth to get it out of his mouth. We freeze on that as Lemon appears to say that the life cycle of a human is not unlike a salmon: it begins in cozy circumstances, gets progressively colder and often ends in suffering and tragedy. Lemony stops at a table where Larry serves a salmon “burned alive” to the Poes and Jacquelyn. (A: This whole restaurant has put me off salmon forever.)
Lemony is now in a salmon suit as he says that the most difficult aspect of a salmon’s life cycle is when they swim upstream to spawn, a word that means “spend quality time with the salmon they love most.” Swimming upstream is difficult and the Baudelaires felt like they were. Not only because they are in a restaurant full of salmon but because they are swimming against the current of everyone thinking that Count Olaf is a foreign man named Gunther.
Esme tells Olaf!Gunther that he’s so interesting, unlike other foreigners who come from places that make her feel guilty and uncomfortable. Violet asks Jerome, in a whisper, if he doesn’t think there is something weird about Gunther. Jerome berates them for being xenophobic, especially because their brave parents definitely weren’t. Violet asks why Jerome lost touch with his parents. He starts to explain but is interrupted by Mrs. Poe bringing the news that she just phoned in a hot scoop to the paper that will really “elevate their readership.”
That particular wording makes Klaus think. He wants to get back to 667 Dark.
Another course is served and Olaf is #overit. He wants to leave, but Esme says eating far too much food for far too much money is the height of civilization and nothing can make her leave. Just then, a paper is delivered on her plate pronouncing Salmonella out and the fake Olaf restaurant in. She screams out the news and everyone rushes out of the restaurant. The Baudelaires see this as their chance. They warn Jerome off eating anything in Fake Restaurant and escape.
Outside of the fake restaurant, Herring Houdini, Lucafont calls for Donner party of 5. Mr. Poe congratulates Mrs. Poe on creating the hype based on the word of a foreign man she didn’t question.
Jerome grabs a glass of something that doesn’t look fishy to drink.
Olaf tells the Fernald they need to shut the place down to find the orphans.
The Baudelaires, hiding in the salmon statue from Salmonella, sneak past the Front Desk Man.
Jacques and Olivia have searched 45 floors with no sign of the Quagmires.
On the 46th floor, Klaus points out the second elevator entrance. The press the elevator to open only to find it really isn’t an elevator. It’s ersatz. It’s a shaft. Violet ties up her hair.
Herring Houdini. The White Faced women are serving slop. Esme chokes it down. Jerome is sleeping at the table. Fernald reports that he hasn’t been able to locate the orphans. Olaf!Gunther says they are going to skip dessert and Esme is down with that plan because the food is in but she isn’t able to keep it in her mouth. Olaf tries to leave but Larry, still in his fish outfit, stops him. He announces to the whole restaurant that Gunther is a great singer who should definitely regale the with a song. Gunther resists, but the whole restaurant insists.
The White Face Women wheel a piano out which Fernald plays. Olaf sings a little number about how you gotta keep chasing your schemes. He fumbles through the choreography and everything is a little off beat.
At the same time, we watch as the Baudelaires raid Esme’s in collection. They grab her giant basket, empty of rutabagas, grab the giant scarf, and grab a few of the rubber bands. They put together a parachute for the basket and then let themselves down into the empty shaft.
Jacque and Olivia make it to the penthouse. They open a window and call out for Duncan and Isadora.
But it’s the Baudelaires who find them, in a cage, at the bottom of this dark shaft. They smile at each other.
This show is getting increasingly difficult for me to watch. I hate to repeat something I said on Twitter but in this economy? Watching adults gaslight and ignore the welfare of children? Too real. And what’s more, the prolonged exposure and seemingly endless cycle of the story means that we aren’t hitting an variable notes here. Something can’t be all misery because even that is boring of a sort. And here, every two episodes, we know that the Baudelaires hopes are dashed and they are shuffled along somewhere else to be mistreated. I love the actors, especially the children, the look of the show is still magnificent, and it has some very funny and meta moments. Here, those moments are mostly provided by Esme’s privileged commentary. In all, however, it’s getting old for me…
Next time on A Series of Unfortunate Events: I don’t know, misery, in S02 E04 – The Ersatz Elevator: Part 2.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a 28 year old graduated English major and almost librarian. I can often be found singing too loudly (poorly) in the car or spending some time (hours) on Tumblr. I am a lover of Harry Potter, the Spice Girls, and too many other things.
I’m a serial procrastinator and a genuinely terrible singer, and if anyone knows how to monetize either of these skills please hit me up. In my spare time, I like to study Dutch painters, Italian architecture, and Canadian bacon.
Fuchsia-haired, caffeine enthusiast, dog person, Raptors fan, sometimes blogger, music & social media geek, freelancer, human being. She/her.
