snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

dazzling you with my brooding

Designated Survivor S01 E08 – Barely not vomitting.

by Dani Denatti January 18, 2017 Designated Survivor
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I take full responsibility for getting us behind on this show. Between the December blues and life, this fell to the bottom of my list. The good news is that there are no new episodes until March so we have time to play catch up! Also, the still of this episode on the ABC app is Leo looking as whiny as Conor from Angel.

Dani: That alone would have derailed my motivation.

Marines: I already watched this episode but that description makes me wish I could unwatch it.

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After Chapter 12 – Crack whore storytelling game.

by Samantha November 8, 2016 After
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Tessa wakes up and right away notices that Steph is “snoring unattractively.” God. I just do not like you, Tessabelle. Let people sleep without your judgment clouding their auras or whatever.

She wonders how they’re going to get back to the dorms and heads out into the hallway looking for Nate. She realizes that she doesn’t even know if Nate is part of the frat, and yeah, that’s what happens when you spend more time judging on people than actually talking to them.

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After Chapter 10 – Doomed to sleep on the floor.

by Samantha November 1, 2016 After
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As Tessa flees the horror house lair, she starts to cry. There’s some more whining about how awful college/parties/roommates are. I know we’re trying to pad out these recaps a little but I also don’t want to lose readers from boredom.

Marines: Us trying to write words but not lose readers:

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After Chapter 08 – Flat faced kissing.

by Samantha October 25, 2016 After
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After Tessa catches Hardin and the pink haired girl macking in sin, she… stands there. She truly just stands there because she can’t get her feet to move. Cool.

Marines: Tessa is so stunned by two young people making out that she literally can’t get her body to move? Honestly? You were just trying to kiss your boyfriend like 3 micro-chapters ago. 

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After Chapter 06 – Purple eyeliner hussies.

by Marines October 18, 2016 After
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We pick up this chapter approximately 15 minutes later. Tessa has curled her hair! Oh my god! I really wasn’t sure what she was going to do after that curling iron cliffhanger!

Steph offers Tessa her makeup, like a nice person. Tessa tells us that she’s a member of the Big Eyes club.

She asks for some eyeliner and Steph gives her brown, black, and purple. Steph also suggests that the purple would look pretty with Tessa’s Big Eyes but Tessa isn’t a slut or something so she can’t use purple. She puts on a little bit of black and Steph is proud. This has all been a literal 1/4 of this chapter.

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After Chapter 04 – Khaki is for virgins.

by Samantha October 11, 2016 After
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Okay guys. Here it is. The recap where we will finally find out what happens when Tessa finds a boy in her room.

Marines: Don’t forget she’s in a towel! The suspense is killing approximately no one.

Samantha: She asks the brown haired rude boy where Steph is. Her voice comes out in a squeak so maybe she swallowed a mouse in the heathen shower. The boy kind of half smirks at her but doesn’t answer her legit question. I hate him already you guys.

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After Chapter 02 – Dangerous misfits and rebels.

by Samantha October 4, 2016 After
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Okay! Here we go! Let’s see if anything happens this chapter!

Tessa totally can’t focus on anything as they drive to campus, not even her nice-soon-to-be-dumped-probably boyfriend. (M: Or his perfectly lined lips.) They arrive within a paragraph and apparently she never visited the campus before, which struck me as odd. Two hours isn’t that bad of a drive, surely they could have done a visit?

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The OC S04 E10 – Endearing but WHAT EVEN?

by Marines August 22, 2016 Season 4
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Taylor visits Ryan during his break because she has the perfect Valentine’s Day present for him, even though Valentine’s Day is weeks away. Her perfect present? A scrapbook, complete with signed letter for her divorce lawyer, sneaky pictures she took of Ryan on her camera phone and their hospital bracelets from that one time they were in a joint coma. Ryan just makes some really uncomfortable noises.

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The OC S04 E07 – Chrismu-COMA.

by Marines August 1, 2016 Season 3
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Alright, guys. I feel like we’re in the home stretch here and I’m going to try and crank out these last 9 recaps as quickly as possible because it’s time. It’s time to finish The OC and say goodbye.

So, here we go.

Ryan is in the kitchen enjoying his morning coffee, when Kirsten comes in and tries to casually ask if he’s going to invite anyone to Christmas Eve dinner. Ryan isn’t sure because if he invites Taylor, that seems pretty serious. Kirsten lightly laughs at him and says they make their own rules at Christmukkah.

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Eclipse Chapter 02 – Force it down.

by Annie July 5, 2016 Books
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[…]

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Supernatural S05 E21 – O Death (we love your intro scene so much!)

by Samantha June 16, 2016 Season 5
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So we open in Iowa, at a fancy old person home hospital thing. Freaking Pestilence walks into an old lady’s room. I dunno you guys, I had somehow convinced myself that all of the Pestilence stuff would be finished in the last episode and that I wouldn’t have to recap him again. I was wrong. He sits down on the old lady’s bed and acts all Good Doctor-y.

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Supernatural S05 E19 – Those beautiful wings.

by Samantha May 18, 2016 Season 5
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This episode, a random favorite of mine, opens at a run down vacant motel in Indiana. A sheriff looking fella walks inside and starts looking around. We see that the name of the hotel is the Elysium Fields and the Greek Mythology nerd inside of me has a field (har har) day. We also see a flower pot bloom into life. The flowers look vaguely lotus-y if you put your imagination to it. There’s lots of noises and camera angles to indicate that this motel is not quite as abandoned as it appears. Sure enough, the sheriff guy turns around to find an immaculate looking bellhop standing there. He tries to tell the bellhop that he isn’t allowed to be here, but Bellhop just rambles about how he has to get everything ready because they are all coming. He then tells the sherif cop guy that he’s dinner and murders the fuck out of him.

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Game of Thrones S03 E03 – Big mistake. HUGE.

by Catherine May 17, 2016 Game of Thrones
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The previouslies for this episode take us way back to last season when that one prostitute killed that Unsullied dude, Sam and Gilly left, and Sansa learned all about Lyanna Stark. Also, other stuff that happened last episode, I think. I’m not sure. It’s been 6 seasons, and it’s all really starting to blend together.

Anyway! The credits that I’ve never had to pay this close of attention to before take us to King’s Landing, Pyke, Poor Winterfaux with it’s little flayed man symbol, The Wall and across the narrow sea to Dothraki territory and Meereen.

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Supernatural S05 E17 – The Kool-Aid can’t be far off.

by Kirsti April 27, 2016 Season 5
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The previouslies show us Lisa, from season 3, who has a son named Ben. It was the episode with the creepy ass children.

Kirsti: I’m sorry, you’ll have to be more specific. There are at least 2 episodes a season with creepy children…

Samantha: This segues us into the Impala burning rubber down a highway at night. Sam’s arm is injured and they are both a little frantic. They mention how they’ve never seen that many in one place before, just as the Impala screeches to a halt in front of a flaming barricade in the road.

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The OC S03 E25 – Accidental

by Marines March 7, 2016 Season 3
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Ryan broodily channel surfs. Kirsten sadly folds laundry. It’s a difficult day at the Cohen house.

Kirsten hears a door. Seth goes directly to the pool house and Sandy meets Kirsten in the main house. We cut between Seth and Sandy telling the story that Seth denied all fire-setting charges. Sandy isn’t sure he believes that, especially since he saw the confession napkin. Seth tells Ryan that it was totally a mistake. Ryan tells him to tell The Eyebrows the truth, but lol, no. Meanwhile, the Cohen parents worry about what would happen if they accuse Seth of lying and he isn’t.

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